Yesterday was my saddest day.
I am not sure what triggered it, or if it was a combination of a lot of little things, but it was a rough day. I was sick all weekend with epic food poisoning, and even had to stay home from work on Monday, because I couldn’t get out of the fetal position. Yesterday, was my first day back to work, and I still didn’t feel 100% better.
So, I’m at work, feeling kinda icky, but still functioning, and someone posted a YouTube video on my wall. I noticed the name and title of the song, and I started thinking. A few days ago, my old roommate texted me saying she was in her car, and heard a country song that reminded her of Jen and myself. I couldn’t remember what she told me, and after a quick gchat, I found out that this was the same song that was posted on my wall. So, I listened to the video, and I started bawling.
Title: If I Die Young
Artist: The Band Perry
I’m was bawling. No, more like sobbing. And I was at work. I just put my head on my desk, cried, and let the song finish. I wiped my tears, and carried on with my day. But, the some of the song lyrics were stuck in my head all day, which just made me sad all over again.
Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no
ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby
That part made me cry on so many levels. First, it talked about rainbows, and if you’ve been reading my posts, you know that I have a new found appreciation for them. Secondly, it reminded me of my Mom, and Dad, and having to bury their daughter. And because that breaks my heart every time I think of it, it makes me cry. Even now, I’m tearing up thinking about it.
So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done
This part made me sad, because I always wear my single pearl necklace, just like my Mom. When Jen passed, my necklace was at the jeweler getting fixed. I was so obsessed with getting my necklace back in time for the wake and funeral. I needed my necklace. Thankfully, my Aunt went and got it back in time for me.
A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’
The drama in this town is overwhelming. These lyrics made me sad because all the nonsense that has been going on, and how people have been trashing my sister’s name. It makes me sick, and ergo, made me cry even more.
So the whole day, I was kinda depressed, on top of not feeling well. I left work, drove home, and got into my development when the new Katy perry song “Fireworks” came on. The song has a part that goes:
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow
Then, I just broke down. Like, worst crying episode ever. I cried the remaining quarter of a mile to my house, got out of my car, and just leaned on my car and cried. A lot. I gathered my stuff, and got ready to head into the house, but rerouted to the memory bench that is by our front door. The lovely people at my mom’s office got us a memory bench, made from rock, to sit on an reflect. It is a very zen bench, and a nice place to sit and think.
So I sat, okay, collapsed down on the bench, put my head in my hands, and cried. A good, deep, cry. My Dad came outside to check on me, but I just couldn’t get the words out to tell him what was wrong. After about ten minuets, I calmed down, and headed back inside. This cry fest set the tone for the evening, but I woke up today feeling better and somewhat refreshed.
I know those kinds of day are expected, but it was just a lot to handle all at once. But heck, if I can handle this, I can handle pretty much anything.