Three Months…

Three months.

Wait, what? That’s all? It feels like it was yesterday. No, wait. I lied.  It seems like eons ago. Three months? Seriously? wtf?

How can something feel like it was so long ago, but feel like yesterday at the same time? I don’t know how that is even possible, and I’m pretty sure there is a law of physics I’m breaking, but that is how I feel.

Three months ago my world came to a screeching halt.

Three months ago I was unable to sleep, unable to eat, unable to think.

Life is a beeotch. It doesn’t teach you how to deal with something this catastrophic. Reality sucks, but we all know that sooner or later, we will have to say goodbye to grandparents, aunts, uncles, even parents. But, hold up, what do you do when your little sister passes away? Even more horrendous, like for my Mom and Dad, what do you do when your 18 year old daughter dies? No book, no support group, no bible verse will ever teach you. And that just sucks.

A lot has happened in the past three months. Summer ended. Fall began. The leaves changed colors. We had our first snow. I started Coniffdence. I lost friends. I made friends. I made friends into family. We celebrated my 23rd birthday. We celebrated Jen’s 19th birthday. I got two tattoos. I cried. I cried a lot. I joined support groups. I’ve become more anxious. If it is even possible, I’ve become more paranoid. I’m closer with my brother. I’m closer to my family. I’ve eaten a lot crab legs. I hate motorcycles. A lot of music makes me cry. I’ve snapped at the people I love. I’ve stopped to smell the roses. I tell the people I love that, “I love you,” and I tell them often. Friends have gotten engaged. I never give up the opportunity to give people hugs. I’ve gotten fluffy. I love sunsets. I look for rainbows. No one steals my hairbrush anymore.

Well, what do I do from here?

I live. And I live everyday to the fullest. I make sure I’m home for dinner, so my family and I can share stories from our day. I make sure I’m careful. I don’t text and drive. I don’t speed. I am cautious. I am aware of the world around me, and how its both a terrible, terrible place, and beautiful at the same time. I go to brunch on the weekends with Jim. I never take off my guardian angel necklace. I feel Jen’s presence every day, and know I have a beautiful guardian angel who is making her cloud really pretty and glittery, and adding rhinestones to her wings.

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11 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Ri
    Nov 18, 2010 @ 14:40:06

    another one that left me completely choked up. and i doubt you’ve gotten fluffy. but if you do, you’re still beautiful. i also do not doubt one bit that jen has completely be-dazzled everything. i also love that you hug more, live more, enjoy life more… with every horrible (terrible) situation- lessons are learned, strength is gained, and you grow.. a lot. ❤

    Reply

  2. guardianbabyangel
    Nov 18, 2010 @ 14:55:58

    I remember feeling the same way…although losing a parent is “natural”, damnit, losing one at NINETEEN sure as hell isn’t…and that’s how I’m feeling today too…like it was yesterday, but yet it was twenty years ago…wasn’t it? (In real, non-grieving time, it’s just about 1.5 years)

    I’m here if you need to scream and cry and vent…because although I don’t get what it means to lose a sister…I sure as hell get what it means to lose someone you never thought you could live without…<3

    She's right by your side, all the time…she has that power now…to be with you, and your Mom and Dad…and Rachel…all at once…I don't know if that helps…but *sometimes* thinking of that helped me (sometimes it killed me – I want him HERE!)

    <333

    Reply

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  4. stephaniemerriam
    Nov 18, 2010 @ 15:48:39

    i like you fluffy ❤ it's good for the heart and soul. i love you a million cans of cinnimon air fresheners and successful morning routines. and no matter what life throws at you, you will always be beautiful and strong

    Reply

  5. ashley cantor
    Nov 18, 2010 @ 16:20:19

    Is it weird that I kind of look forward to your posts even though i do end up with tears in my eyes every time I do. Despite every thing that has changed you, you still are Lady york, and I love that I can hear your voice in your writing every time I read it.

    Reply

  6. Kim Fabozzi
    Nov 18, 2010 @ 21:44:10

    XOXO
    I LOVE YOU

    Reply

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