Now What?

So, the holidays have passed, and we have entered a new year. And I am not sure how to feel.

I have this odd feeling. I was so worried about facing Christmas, and now that it is over, I feel different. I was even worried about New Years. One woman at a support group my Mom and I went to made a statement one day, that really stuck with me (and I kinda wish it didn’t).

She said: I hated the first new years without my son. When the year changed, I realized my son was never alive in the new year. I wish someone would have told me to watch out for that.

And me being the worrier that I am, sat in bed on New Year’s Eve with my Lobster, literally changed channels to see the ball drop, and then I immediately changed the channel again. I didn’t want to hear about people’s hopes and dreams for the new year, and I definitely didn’t want to hear Auld Lang Syne. I was scared and sad at the thought of a whole new year that Jen will not get to experience.

New Year’s Eve always reminds me of Niff. A few years back, she and her boyfriend broke up right before New Year’s Eve, and it ruined all her party plans. She was bummed, so I said we would have our own party. We set up a camping tent in the formal living room, right next to the Christmas tree, and laid down sleeping bags and blankets. We had an arsenal of snacks, put the TV right in front of the tent’s opening, and each had our own laptop. This was back in the day when MySpace was cool, and people still used AIM to chat with friends, so we were still communicating with the outside world. We watched Nickelodeon all night, along with the dogs, and that was our New Year’s Eve. 

I say this after every big event or holiday, but the days leading up to it are always worse than the actual day. Christmas really wasn’t all that bad. It sucked a whole bunch, but it wasn’t like I couldn’t get out of bed. And New Year’s Eve was different, not only because Jen wasn’t in the basement playing beer pong, but because I actually had plans. I got dressed up, went out to dinner with the Lobster, and relaxed all night with hors d’oeuvres and adult beverages (in moderation, of course).

I feel like my mind is in a daze, and I can’t shake it.

On the plus side, I did see a rainbow this morning on my way to work. It was so tiny; nowhere near being a full bow:

I wonder if anyone else saw it, or if it was just for me ❤


4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. LissaL
    Jan 05, 2011 @ 01:58:57

    I always say that grief is most abnormal “Normal” thing there is. Everything you feel, do, say doesn’t feel right, yet the books, the counselors, etc say it is normal. As for feeling in a “daze” well, that is a “normal” side effect of grief. I think it’s our body’s way of keeping us safe. For grief is a journey-too much to take in at once. It is a a very surreal experience. hard to understand or explain to others. New Year’s Blessings to you and your family as you find a new kind of normal.


  2. Jacqueline DeVito
    Jan 05, 2011 @ 10:03:58

    Thank you Lisa ❤ You are very right about how everyone says what we are feeling is "normal" when it feels anything but. Happy New Year to you and your family as well


  3. Trackback: Rt. 9 Rainbows « Coniffdence | Gaining Strength After the Loss of My Little Sister
  4. Trackback: Goodbye 2011, Hello 2012 « Coniffdence | Gaining Strength After the Loss of My Little Sister

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