The Sixteenth & The Seventeenth

The two worst days of the month, the sixteenth and the seventeenth…

The Sixteenth

I’ve said it time and time before, but for me, the day leading up to a major event is more stressful that the actual day. Niff passed away on the 17th, so every 16th I worry that the next day is the 17th.

It boggles my mind that five short months ago, my life was the way it should be. And then tomorrow, I can say, five short months ago my life instantly changed forever. It has been a wild roller coaster, and I’m not one for amusement park rides.

I cry a lot; more then I did when this all happened. I didn’t cry at Jen’s wake or funeral. I couldn’t. I was in shock and numb and just in a whirl-wind of craziness. Now, I think I cry at least twice a week, and usually at work or in my car. I cry a lot when I hear certain songs, or see certain commercials, or go to Hallmark and see the “Sister” card section.

The other day I was having an extra hard day, so I got home from work, put on my PJs, laid on Jen’s bed, and cried. It just felt nice to be in there and cry. The dogs even came next to me and sat next to the bed until I was done crying. After, I went back into my room, and finished what I was doing.

The Seventeenth

The dreaded day. Every month when the 17th rolls around, it is like all the feelings of sorrow, anger, grief, and pain all coming flooding back. I just say to myself, “Jen has been an angel for five months now…” and try not to have flash-backs to August, but the more I try not to, the more it happens. I thought about getting flowers today, but I am kinda sick of the smell of them. I need to find flowers that don’t have a fragrance.

Today is always a day where I feel like I go through the motions of the day. I have no agenda, no plans. Just gonna get through this day with the least amount of ruined mascara.

I find myself talking about of Jen. I tell people stories about her, like, “Oh yeah! My sister did that too!” and stuff like that. It makes me feel happy for a split second, but then I get sad again.

My chest is hurting a lot, and I’m tearing up, so I am done for today.

April 14, 2009: Jacqueline» Yay! Sister Power
April 14, 2009: Jennifer» sisterrrrssss….. UNITE
(Thread of comments from Facebook)

 

Kalookalay

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5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Erica
    Jan 17, 2011 @ 14:23:16

    you just explained my exact feelings too.. i wuv you jacqueline ❤ always here for you.. don't forget that.

    Reply

  2. Jacqueline DeVito
    Jan 17, 2011 @ 14:25:04

    I love you BSB4L. PS- You were my 100th Comment. Mazel Tov. Your rewards are Spicy Nuggets and a Frosty, if you accept 🙂

    Reply

  3. Erica
    Jan 17, 2011 @ 14:55:47

    ohhh i doooo accept! why would i pass up an opportunity like that 😉

    Reply

  4. SGG
    Jan 28, 2011 @ 21:03:13

    Jacqueline,
    I love reading your blogs, and have read them since you set them up. I myself have a family member who we have been preparing to lose for months now. And while its not quite the same situation, I find strength through reading your blogs because I see how beautiful the memory of a person can be. I hope I can forever keep my family members persona alive, as you have done for your sister through sharing her with the world. Thanks for being brave, and inspiring others to be brave.

    Reply

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