The two worst days of the month, the sixteenth and the seventeenth…
I’ve said it time and time before, but for me, the day leading up to a major event is more stressful that the actual day. Niff passed away on the 17th, so every 16th I worry that the next day is the 17th.
It boggles my mind that five short months ago, my life was the way it should be. And then tomorrow, I can say, five short months ago my life instantly changed forever. It has been a wild roller coaster, and I’m not one for amusement park rides.
I cry a lot; more then I did when this all happened. I didn’t cry at Jen’s wake or funeral. I couldn’t. I was in shock and numb and just in a whirl-wind of craziness. Now, I think I cry at least twice a week, and usually at work or in my car. I cry a lot when I hear certain songs, or see certain commercials, or go to Hallmark and see the “Sister” card section.
The other day I was having an extra hard day, so I got home from work, put on my PJs, laid on Jen’s bed, and cried. It just felt nice to be in there and cry. The dogs even came next to me and sat next to the bed until I was done crying. After, I went back into my room, and finished what I was doing.
The dreaded day. Every month when the 17th rolls around, it is like all the feelings of sorrow, anger, grief, and pain all coming flooding back. I just say to myself, “Jen has been an angel for five months now…” and try not to have flash-backs to August, but the more I try not to, the more it happens. I thought about getting flowers today, but I am kinda sick of the smell of them. I need to find flowers that don’t have a fragrance.
Today is always a day where I feel like I go through the motions of the day. I have no agenda, no plans. Just gonna get through this day with the least amount of ruined mascara.
I find myself talking about of Jen. I tell people stories about her, like, “Oh yeah! My sister did that too!” and stuff like that. It makes me feel happy for a split second, but then I get sad again.
My chest is hurting a lot, and I’m tearing up, so I am done for today.