To say that these past couple of days have been rough is a total understatement. I haven’t felt like myself, and I can’t shake this funk I am in. I don’t know if it is just a combination of a lot of little things, or what, but I know that it sucks.
My back, specifically my lower back and shoulders, have just been aching. Plus, it feels like I have a lead vest on my chest, and it won’t go away. I can’t catch up on my sleep, and always have this lingering feeling of being overwhelmed. I panic about getting daily tasks done, like making my bed and doing my laundry, and even though everyone jokes about it, I have to balance my checkbook every day. If I buy something today with my debit card, I will wake up tomorrow morning and know that there is a receipt that wasn’t accounted for, and not properly filed away. I find myself panicking and stressing about a lot of really minor things, that shouldn’t bother me.
St. Patrick’s day was kinda hard too. I was listening to the radio on my way to work, like I do every morning, and they had live bagpipers playing some traditional Irish tunes. I had to turn it off because the music reminded me of when I would go down with the girls so they could twirl in the St. Patrick’s Day Parade in NYC. It made me cry.
Over the weekend, we threw a surprise birthday party for my Mom. I tried to make it as special as I could for my Mom, as I wanted her to have a really great birthday. Nif would always make birfday (that’s right, birfday) shirts for us to wear, so I made my Mom one, in the same style Nif would do.
I must have used almost an entire bottle of black puffy paint, and bought rhinestones by the pound. Seriously, I bought 1 pound of rhinestones for about $15.00, and I think they will last me a lifetime.
My Mom and I started our weekly Grief Share meetings again, and this time around, I can’t bring myself to really talk. I get too choked up, and just find myself doodling in my workbook. I hope that I can be apart of the conversations again soon.
I really, really miss Niff.