No matter how much I beg or plead, the 17th of every months still rolls around. Today, although I’m sure I don’t need to remind you, marks the 11th month Anniversary of Jennifer’s passing. (Wow-even typing it out seems surreal.) As I sit here quietly thinking of what to say, I can feel the weight just pushing down on my shoulders, and it becoming increasingly more difficult to take a deep breath.
(Pause for coffee sips and to collect my thoughts)
I feel as though I have learned a lot these past 11 months; both meaningful things as well as the unfairness of life. You’ve heard it many, many times before but it is important to repeat: Life is not fair. I know of a few off-color quotes that best illustrates this notion, but they are best saved for another day.
Lets recap, shall we?
Positive & Meaningful Things I Have Learned:
- It is okay to cry, and I will never apologize for me tears, and I sincerely thank the staff at Hallmark that lets me cry in your isles.
- There are simple joys in picking flowers and putting them on our Jenn’s Bench
- Even when I don’t want to talk to anyone, and lay in my room, my dogs away know when I’m upset, and lay extra close
- People will never forget Niff
- People handle their grief differently, which doesn’t make their way wrong or any less meaningful
- It seems the random memories of Jen mean more to me than the large and obvious ones
- I think most about Jen when I’m driving. I turn off the radio and just, think.
- People will surprise you with their kindness and genuine concern; even helpful strangers
Negative & Upsetting Things I Have Learned:
- Life is not fair.
- People will disappoint you, even people you think wouldn’t.
- People will not always understand my grief, and mistake my anger about loosing Jen as me being a you-know-what
- Society as a whole forgets about people who are grieving the loss of a brother or sister (We are the forgotten mourners)
- People have no loyalty
- People say stupid things and usually don’t realize it (and for that, I understand. It just sucks when they do say it)
I know that these next 30 days are gonna be terrible, but I am not going to let it consume my life. Just as I have for the past eleven months, I am going to take it a day at a time.
It will get better.